So, youse all know how ah like tae shove stones alang wi' my nose. Ah enjoy it, it's good exercise, it keeps me occupied and it entertains wur customers. Nae harm in it or so ah thought. Admittedly, occasionally, ah swally a wee stone or two. Nae bother. Sometimes it's a wee bit sore and a feel a wee bit doon for a day or so. But it soon passes (literally!). Fur me it's worth the effort – a wee bit of discomfort for the pleasure of entertainin' folk and having a guid time.
Well, last week that changed a bit. I don't really remember eating stones any more than usual but on the Wednesday ah didnae feel that good. Ah get a wee bit withdrawn an' like tae have a wee lie down in peace and quiet. Usually as ah say, it passes. Unfortunately, the next day dawned (as the next day will) but poor Mcleod still felt awfy ill. Him indoors, the big yin, took me up tae the Vet. They were awfy nice there. The Vet felt me gently all over an' said. "We'll need to cut him open". Aw, wait a minute. Wis ah hearin' right – cut me open? Tell me more. Ah like tae know the technical details before ah gie ma consent to any intrusive intervention but that sounded a bit. Apparently I had swallowed a stone that had got stuck in ma smaller intestine an' wisnae gaun anywhere.
Oh dear, oh dear. Next thing ah'm lyin' oan ma back wi' a wire plugged intae me an' a wee bag drippin' some stuff intae ma boady. Ah looked doon an' ah was a' shaved doon below. There were ten stitches ah could see running right down to ma willy. An' ah could see ma willy too. Ah'd never seen it before. Ah mean ah knew it was doon there a'right but it was usually all covered over. Noo with ma stomach shaved, well, ah did feel a wee bit exposed. Ah wont dwell on the subject but suffice tae say the hale business wis a close shave.
Ah'm fine noo. Ah wis a bit queasy for a day or two. The big yins been keeping me indoors and feeding me special meaty stuff and pills. He's a funny big fella. He wont throw me stones an' keeps muttering something about spending more "money on bloody dogs" than on hisself. Bloody cheek. Ah think they had tae have an operation to get his wallet open.
His wee wifie is aff galavantin' again. This time it's Vancouver in Canada, sellin' wine, as if she's no' seen enough o' the inside of a plane this year. Ah'm fair lookin' forward tae havin' her home again. Maybe she'll throw me a wee stone or maybe a big stone (one a canny swally).
Ho Hum
Talkin' of well done (though we shouldnae) Bella's been joined (for a wee while, shoosh) by two wee porkers by the names o' 'Sausage' an''Sizzle'. Nice names right enough but Ah don't know why the oulds aye snigger when they tell folks. Anywise ah get along wi' them fine an' Bella pits up wi' them as long as they stay away frae her food. Ye can come an' visit them if ye like.
We had a great wee weekend around Bastille Day (quatorze juillet). Of course, ye know we (wee) Scots are great mates o' the French. Those of you who have drunk our 'Auld Alliance' (our Bordeaux blend) will know the first auld alliance dates back to the thirteenth century. While it was a military alliance, the great thing then was that the best French wines came to Leith (Embra) before they went onto Tilbury (Lundin). This is why the first ever breath test was to be able to say "The Leith Police dismisseth us" without slurring yer wurds. Ah slur ma wurds anyway, so ye can never tell wi' me.
The Scots luv fur Claret came frae thae days. Tha's whit Rabbie Burns drank – explains a lot. In those days they drank it by the pint. At that time claret hud about 9% alcohol no like today's 12 or 13 – but a pint?! Nae wonder Tam o' Shanter could see witches and ghoulies as he rode o'er the Brig o' Doon. Anyhow we had a wee decorous glass of our Auld Alliance as part of our special Bastille Day lunches. No me mind. I wus oan duty.
Apparently, les escargots were tres magnifique – they musta been because there were none left over efter 'cos ah hud a good look. 'Paris breasts' were the most popular desert. Ah don't know what James our chef was thinkin'. Ah'll no' try to describe the dish but it was two mounds of brulee with strategically placed cherries on top. Tres jolie, righ' enough We had French music too and the tricolour was well in evidence. An' ah had a great audience for ma rock retrieval exhibition.
During the school hoalidays we had a' the weans here fur whit seemed like weeks but was only a few days. Actchully, it was rerr. They played on their bikes an' ah tried tae keep up – see ma wee legs gaun like the clappers. An' they threw stones for me which was great. An' they let me play in the dress ups wi' them ho' nane o' the cloathes quite fitted.
An' now we've got Spring (printemps) tae look forward to. Soon enough it'll be Daffodil Day an' ah'll have tae update ma stone pushin' routine. They say ye've got tae have a good nose to work at a winery – well ah've certainly got that.
Au revoir pour maintenant.
