So, youse all know how ah like tae shove stones alang wi' my nose. Ah enjoy it, it's good exercise, it keeps me occupied and it entertains wur customers. Nae harm in it or so ah thought. Admittedly, occasionally, ah swally a wee stone or two. Nae bother. Sometimes it's a wee bit sore and a feel a wee bit doon for a day or so. But it soon passes (literally!). Fur me it's worth the effort – a wee bit of discomfort for the pleasure of entertainin' folk and having a guid time.
Well, last week that changed a bit. I don't really remember eating stones any more than usual but on the Wednesday ah didnae feel that good. Ah get a wee bit withdrawn an' like tae have a wee lie down in peace and quiet. Usually as ah say, it passes. Unfortunately, the next day dawned (as the next day will) but poor Mcleod still felt awfy ill. Him indoors, the big yin, took me up tae the Vet. They were awfy nice there. The Vet felt me gently all over an' said. "We'll need to cut him open". Aw, wait a minute. Wis ah hearin' right – cut me open? Tell me more. Ah like tae know the technical details before ah gie ma consent to any intrusive intervention but that sounded a bit. Apparently I had swallowed a stone that had got stuck in ma smaller intestine an' wisnae gaun anywhere.
Oh dear, oh dear. Next thing ah'm lyin' oan ma back wi' a wire plugged intae me an' a wee bag drippin' some stuff intae ma boady. Ah looked doon an' ah was a' shaved doon below. There were ten stitches ah could see running right down to ma willy. An' ah could see ma willy too. Ah'd never seen it before. Ah mean ah knew it was doon there a'right but it was usually all covered over. Noo with ma stomach shaved, well, ah did feel a wee bit exposed. Ah wont dwell on the subject but suffice tae say the hale business wis a close shave.
Ah'm fine noo. Ah wis a bit queasy for a day or two. The big yins been keeping me indoors and feeding me special meaty stuff and pills. He's a funny big fella. He wont throw me stones an' keeps muttering something about spending more "money on bloody dogs" than on hisself. Bloody cheek. Ah think they had tae have an operation to get his wallet open.
His wee wifie is aff galavantin' again. This time it's Vancouver in Canada, sellin' wine, as if she's no' seen enough o' the inside of a plane this year. Ah'm fair lookin' forward tae havin' her home again. Maybe she'll throw me a wee stone or maybe a big stone (one a canny swally).